Fostering Positive Self Talk and Self-Esteem
During the process of getting a masters in counseling, counselors in training typically have a class where we learn our basic, practical skills and put them into practice by acting as each other’s counselors before we begin seeing clients the following semester. I was taught to consider every word that I say in session as something that will impact my client. We recorded our sessions, transcribed them, and went line by line to justify the words we chose to say. If there was a statement or a question that wasn’t aligned with our counseling perspective, we wrote what we would say next time instead. If there was something said that was unhelpful or unnecessary, we crossed it out. I noticed the filler words and statements I often use, but had never noticed before, and became mindful to decrease them. Before that class, I didn’t appreciate just how important our words are. Gaining awareness of my words let me begin the process of changing them when needed so that they would reflect my counseling values, beliefs, and intentions.
As it often happens, this counseling skill stayed with me outside of work and I began to think through how my words impact my family and friends, but also myself. When a person that you love makes a mistake at work or home, I wonder what you might say to them? What makes you choose to say it like that? How would you hope that person would feel after talking with you about it? On the other hand, when you make the same mistake at work or home, I wonder what you say to yourself? What makes you choose to say it like that? How would you hope that you would feel after receiving those words? If the way that we talk to other people impacts them, then the way that we think about ourselves impacts us too.
Our words matter! So often, we forget to speak kindly to ourselves, even if kindness is a personal value. If you’d like to become more mindful of the way that your self-talk is shaping your daily experience, there are a few practical ways to start shifting your mindset.
Gain awareness by noticing the common words you say to yourself when you “beat yourself up”. That might be something like “I should’ve known better”, “I’m alone”, or “They don’t like me.” You can notice these statements by talking out loud, asking trusted people if they have noticed your common phrases, or by journaling your honest thoughts about yourself after a stressful experience (write like no one else will ever read it - shred the paper or throw it away after you’ve written it if that helps).
Shift your mindset by asking yourself what you’d say to your best friend or partner if they were in the same situation. Would you tell them that they should’ve known better? Your answer helps you to identify if your self-talk lines up with your values and beliefs. You can also think “I’m telling myself that I should have known better” as a way to remember that these are the words you’re choosing to say to yourself.
Replace any words you identify as unhelpful with other, more helpful thoughts. For example, if you don’t want to say “You/I should have known better”, but there was genuinely something that went wrong, you can change your thoughts to represent the truth of the situation. Maybe you could say, “I procrastinated on that project and didn’t get to do the work as well as I wanted to. I’ll figure out better time management next time.”
A cognitive behavioral therapist can also help you process the root of your unhelpful self talk and give you additional tools for healing and changing. It takes some time to rewire your brain and change your thoughts towards yourself, but helpful and kind self-talk that’s aligned with your values has tangible positive impacts on your quality of life. You deserve the same kindness as anyone else in your life!
Ready to take the next steps toward change? Call our office at 281-882-3706. We look forward to working with you!